AWAKENING - June 12, 2012

Awakening - pronounced: a-wak-en-ing
Meaning:  1. An act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
                 2. Coming into existence or awareness.

This is what I had a pure eyeopening AWAKENING... The last few days were what I call grueling... 

We went to the doctors to get blood testing and plans made for the future with my new normal of blood disorders and such (main problem with what went wrong with Wyatt) and what that means moving forward. Then from there we went to our first monthly meeting for parents in the same boat we are in- loss of a child club- A club we would not ever want to be part of or even dream people go to.. but they do and now us too. Then from there lots of questions and feelings started to brew on this wayward road called grief. 

I realized that I have been blogging about the death of our child and not the healing that comes with it. I am the kind of person that looks at each season of my life good or bad and tries to find the joy and things I can be grateful for to bring from one journey to the next. With Wyatt I was getting caught up in the sadness of his journey and the fact that he is gone and not the healing that needs to happen because he is gone. It is a double edged sword... I live one minute, right now, thinking my Wyatt is gone and he is never coming back and my heart is ripped from me again... but I also, in the next minute, remember he lived and every life should be celebrated and I need to start the celebration of my son not just allow myself to live in the sadness of his absence. It is a thin line from one to the other and I know that I will flip flop back and forth between the two feelings but I have been AWAKENED and know for me I must start to heal and live and tell the tale of celebration and  not just the unbearable sadness that comes with this journey. 

The meaning of Awakening above has two parts to it as so much to our story does as well. 

The first meaning: The act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something. This happened to me on Thursday night. We were back at my Aunt and Uncle's house for my doctors appointment the next morning... We were talking about my blog and how it was going and if it was helping with my healing... I thought about it before I answered and said " I guess it is I really had not thought about it being a healing source. I am blogging more for the fact that I want everyone to get to know Wyatt and what he meant to us since so many people mean so much to us it is only right to let them get to know this part of us that is such a huge part to who we are." My aunt agreed and somehow Justin was asked what he thought of my blog. I was certain that he would answer with something like I agree with her or I really like the blog.. but I was taken really off guard with his reply. He said " I can't read it anymore... It makes me so sad and I was there with Steph and know what happened I don't have to keep reliving it with reading it." I looked at him so shocked and confused. I told him, Hey now you told me that it was a good idea to right this and have been encouraging me with every post to keep on chugging with the whole blog thing. He said I know but that does  not mean I have to read it and live it with you that's you and this is me. We went back and forth until we came to an understanding that was okay he felt this way and I felt my way. I became so aware in that moment that it is okay to grieve and do things differently - there is no wrong or right. I also became suddenly aware that my posts are hard and raw and where was me in them? Where was the me that always,even when my mom passed away, could look at it and look for the good and not focus on the tragedy of the bad. I re-read my posts from the last few weeks and out of 5 posts only 1 post did I talk about the greatness of my son and the gift that  he has given me today through his life- I spoke mostly of  what happened to him like the other posts. I realized I have to stop the details of the tragedy because that is not the important part but what is important here is that Wyatt lived and his legacy is just this HE LIVED and was and that in itself is something that I am forever grateful for. Lots of good came from his life however brief that I need to focus on that from here on out.

The second meaning of AWAKENING is coming into existence of awareness. I can honestly say that this happened last night. 

We went to our first meeting with a national group that the hospital told me about. It is made up of people who have lost their child or children at any age at any time from anything. The members making up the Pueblo chapter are very nice and welcoming folks. The meeting started just like any other we were in a circle so everyone could focus on who was sharing when it was their time to share. Since we were new to the group everyone thought it would be a good thing to share their personal stories of loss so we would know who they were and their story as well as feel that we were not alone in our journey. The first shared of their tragic horrible loss and the events that lead up to the loss and the details of the loss itself. By the time it got to Justin and I , I was numb and physically feeling ill. I thought I was going to loose my marbles right there so Justin took the stage and told a brief and very vague encounter of our journey and what our loss was and is about. Then there were 3 more people to share after we had and then it was time for open discussion. I realized that not one person in that group (which most had losses that were 5 or more years out) shared how they were healing or what good might have come from their tragic event in losing their child. I am not a judgmental person in any way shape or form but I found myself judging secretly these people who I was surrounded by. They were so caught up in the grief and the sadness and just getting by without the child they lost that they forgot that the world is still a good place if you let it be and there so much beauty and peace that can touch us if we welcome it in. I wanted to yell "STOP just wait a minute" Smile and be grateful because you had time with your child, You know love and isn't that enough? Then I remembered that I want to choose this path for me and others might not or not be able to with where they are with there loss and grief and you know what - that is OK. 

After we got home from the meeting I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to figure out which way I want to go with my grief  1. talk about it all the time or 2. live to heal and celebrate that I was given a gift that will forever be my gift and just for that I can smile and know I am going to be okay and it's going to be hard but again I will be OK. Knowing that I still have been able to have this beautiful, precious, once in a lifetime gift and no one can take that away from me at the end of the day. Years from now I will always be able to tell my story but years from now, in that meeting, I want to also tell the beauty and hope that came from our journey with Wyatt as well as the journey with him. 

So what's next for me --


HEALING  pronounced: he-al-ing
meaning: -growing sound; getting well; mending.

 I have to remember that this is something that has changed both myself and Justin and those that walked this journey with me and for that reason it is raw for each of us talking, writing and just remembering our walk with Wyatt. There is nothing easy about it -but it happened and now what??? HEALING- we must heal and walk the new lives each of us have and balance the joy of having him around for the little time we did and the hope and learning that comes with the tragedy.


I am going to start to write down things that make me grateful each time they pop in my head and things I am learning from my loss. Sometimes I might look at the notebook I set aside for this and have nothing wrote down at the end of each day or other times I might fill more than one page and either way it is OK. I have to start to take the pressure of the acceptance of my sons death and focus on the celebration of his life.


I planned right after the meeting with my aunt and some other family members to try to put together a group that we can still share our feelings and sadness, because it will always be there, but joy has to creep back into our lives and a group that helps with that is what I think would help in a time like this. I want to honor my sons memory and his legacy has to go on... he was strong and brave and fought for this very thing I still have LIFE...and I will not let his be in vain so I have to try to help others heal as well as let them help me heal and together we all can heal and bring that joy of just living back into our lives.
So off my soap box and back to the plan of a Healing group that I hope can and will help not only me but others who have this badge of loss to wear cope and deal. I want to sponsor a member each month and their loved one who is gone by giving back in their honor and memory. For starters my Wyatt, the first month would be his month to honor and remember him. The ordeal we went through was grueling and hard and if it were not for the staff at the hospital we would have not been able to get through the long days there. They would talk to us and get us anything they thought would help during this time (most reading materials of grief and loss of a child). But also when Wyatt passed they put together a beautiful memory for us of a plaster cast of his hands and feel as well as when he was still with us having Now I Lay me Down to Sleep, a photography non profit that comes in and takes photos for families to have everlasting memories of their loved ones, come in and take our first and last family photos that we cherish and will always be so grateful for them. The hospital put all of these things together for us not because they had to but because they wanted to out of pure caring love.
Being there with Wyatt , I feel like us (the group i hope to have) putting together a memory box for each family to be given in the NICU when they are facing the same outcome as we were might offer comfort  hope in a time you feel so alone. I remember asking over and over is there anyone we can talk to that went through this to make this a little easier as we walk this road... that was the only thing that was so hard thinking we were alone in this even though I knew we were not I wanted to know another person that had to do the things we were being faced with and know that they are okay and we would be too. But with all the hospital could offer this was something they could not. I want to share our Wyatt with these people and let them feel that hope and healing will come and they are not alone. By doing the memory boxes and later on giving the families who have been touched by loss, a place to come to when they are ready would be the ultimate celebration and tribute to the life of my Wyatt and all of us who have lost.


Lets share our loss but also rebuild our love, zest and hope for the new life we must face. Again off track and back on with the Group of loss that we want to start... Each month we would honor another loved one and do something to give back and carry on the legacy of the loved one while celebrating who they were and what they meant to us. Like making memory boxes, fleece blankets/snack boxes for cancer patients, mini memory gardens for people who are struggling and feeling alone, military care packages for those who are gone and fighting for us and so much more. We must and will always grieve but more importantly we will heal and find hope if we choose to walk that road.


My posts are going to look a bit different from now on ...still I will be carefully walking the rocky road of grief and there will be ups and downs that I will share and reflect on with the tragedy of losing Wyatt but also savor the taste of Healing and hope that through this you will all still want walk this journey with me. Wyatt was my precious gift and I want to give this gift to each of you--- god knows there's lots to go around :) So lets all hope and heal together and remember the bad but live the good ! Until next time........