To: Our Sweet Baby Wyatt
I was supposed to write a letter to him but instead I decided that a video tribute would best describe how much he meant to us and countinues to feel our lives with love! We picked the song and each picture with him in mind and it sums up everything we would tell him if we could~
With all our hearts and being we send all our love to you where you are little monkey!
xo-Daddy & Mama
July was a whirlwind of a month...
Blood tests and Doctor visits filled the weeks of July. To consider conceiving again in our future Justin and I were faced with lots of questions and scenarios to start to consider our choices in having a family. When Wyatt was born because of the pathology report of his cord and the placenta, we had to wait 3 months from his birth (so my hormones were closer to normal) for me to get a battery of blood tests for certain blood clotting disorders that may have been the culprit...but after lots of tubes of blood we have come to find that this was most likely not genetic and was just a horrible tragedy that was most likely caused by a kink in Wyatt's cord while he was in utero that slowed the blood flow and when the blood flow slows small clots will form and transfer between him and I as they did in this case. There is still a small chance that this could be a rare blood clotting disorder that we will never know (because there is thousands and thousands of disorders and no way to test for all of them) so the risk and choice is once again ours to try to have another baby in the future. On one side we told ourselves that we would never risk anything like this happening again so absolutely we would have to go with adoption or surrogacy..but after meeting with different doctors with different backgrounds our minds have eased and we realize that we all take risks everyday and some smaller than others but all in all there is a risk to everything and we have alot to think about and weigh out many different options that all would hopefully result in a healthy baby in the end.
As the time gets near to make the choice we know we will have all the support of those we love and those that love us and we have the best of the best for doctors that will lead us to the best decision for us and we are so very grateful. I will update you all gain as the time grows near to our choice in which way we will go for a family of our own.
We have talked many hours about adoption, surrogacy and trying again but nothing seems to concrete right now and our hearts as well as our doctors say let things lie until the time is here to make the difficult choice..... so right now we are enjoying each other and the memory of our sweet baby Wyatt and all the love he has given us and we hope to share with another little one down the road when the time is right...for now though we hope that Wyatt and our future baby or babies are playing together and watching over their mom and dad.
July also held a bittersweet experience. I was blessed with the opportunity to hold a sweet little baby for the first time since I held by own sweet Wyatt. A very close friend of my family was graced with the joy of a having a precious little girl on my scheduled due date April 17 (she was 3 weeks early just like Wyatt). She was born almost the same time as Wyatt and weighed in at 5 lbs and 9oz the same as Wyatt and was just as beautiful as he was. She was over my aunts house with her loving mama and they were sleeping over while I was staying there.
I felt I was ready as the time grew closer that they would be getting to my aunt and unlce's house and with my heart beating faster and faster I heard my cousin say they were here and my aunt doubled checked with me again that I would be okay. Justin had to work and was back in Pueblo and I was spending the week up in Berthoud for some Dr. appointments so I would have to do this without him. I told my aunt again that things were okay and I would have to do this at some point I could not live in a hole where no babies would ever be allowed unless they were my own. We laughed together but inside I was shaking and scared but happy too.
Mama and baby came in and my eyes automatically went straight to baby M and locked. I find myself doing this all the time in public places and always think ..."STOP IT". random mothers don't know my loss and they probably think why is this crazy lady in Target staring at my baby without any words or expression (one time I did start crying while doing my crazy stare and that probably was horribly alarming for the mama so I am so happy I have made it past the crying)...I have been working on this and apologize to all the mamas of random babies that I have alarmed :)
Baby M was within arms length of me and I felt the tears well up and the uncomfortableness that was in the room waiting for me to react. I pulled myself together and decided it was best for me to go sit in the living room and things to calm a bit to hold this sweet baby that resembled mine so much... thoughts were racing through my head should I just hold her.. would this be what Wyatt would be like... I hope I am not making baby M's mama uncomfortable... what is everyone thinking I should be doing right now... just thoughts literally coming in and out of me with no stop. I took quite a few deep breaths and just keep watching my cousin hold that baby. Then my arms started to ache without warning and I went into my guest room to let out a few tears alone and once again calm myself. I returned back to the living room and knew everyone knew I had cried a bit and I quickly called my cousin Kiara in the other room to start working on her wedding invitations. We left baby M with the rest of my family in the living room and went into the office. I felt relieved and calm knowing that I had an excuse to not take down my wall of safety quite yet and ease into being so close to a baby as I was once with Wyatt.
A few hours passed and Kiara was leaving and things were really quite at my aunt and uncle's house. Before I knew it the words escaped me and I reached and out and asked to hold baby M. She was placed in my arms... my aching arms. My eyes filled with tears as I looked down at her and how peaceful she was sleeping in my arms... just as Wyatt had been. These arms were his arms and he was supposed to be sleeping in them... my heart was overwhelmed with sadness and joy.. joy that I was able to hold this baby and remember my Wyatt in my arms the feeling of a baby in them again was beautiful and filled me with a bittersweet peace and love. I listened to sweet baby breaths in and out and felt them on my chest as I did with Wyatt. Nothing feels better I swear. I rubbed her soft little hands and toes and admired how they were so perfect just like Wyatt's were. I took all of her in and held onto everything just as I did with Wyatt. What a special time this was.
I held her for an hour or so and then it was time to give her to her mama. I was snapped back into reality that this was not my baby and her mama had to tend to her like I would be doing for my Wyatt if he was here. I gave her to her mama and was so grateful that I had the chance to hold her and was so thankful that I made it through one of many hurdles in my grief and journey after Wyatt. Thank you baby M's mama for sharing her with me it means everything to me that you let me love her.
July also held a first of many I am sure. We had to purchase a new car after ours had been acting up after being wrecked by the valet at Children's Hospital. They fixed it during the time Wyatt was at Children's but it just was never the same and broke down so we decided it was best to get a new car. We had just bought that car when I found out I was pregnant so that we would have reliable family friendly car we could grow into. So it was also another bittersweet moment of may I am sure. We went to the dealership down here and picked out the car we wanted (same once as our other just newer and not wrecked). As we test drove it the sales guy asked if we had any children...my stomach dropped and I was caught off guard. Justin quickly replied no. I felt a little angry yes we did have child just not here... I looked at him and gave him the eye... the one he gets when he knows he crossed a boundary.. he gave me his eye back. The salesman knew something was off and began to ask if everything was okay. I told him yes we had a son but unfortananlty he had passed away. He then started telling us about his wife who had passed away years before and that things will get better just like everyone else always says when they feel uncomfortable.
We went through the process and bought the car and the rest is history. As we were driving home I was still bothered by Justin's reply and asked him why he would answer that way. He said "I only want to share Wyatt with the people I feel will love him like we do. I did not want to share him with that guy I choose who needs to know him and who I think doesn't." I looked out the window for awhile and thought about that. I agreed with him. I don't have to tell everyone I meet or asks if we have children about Wyatt. He is so special and some people will cherish knowing him through our story and others will feel no different than before they knew of him. To make it easier on us I decided that it is okay to answer the question of Do we have kids? with no sometimes and save the sting of hurt that always follows that question with having to explain yes but no.
I learned alot that day and I am thankful to have Justin and his wisdom that force me to open my heart and myself to the other side of things when it comes to walking this journey.
Now moving into August... What a month so far!
I again got to hang out with the sweetest little thing baby M for 4 days straight as we all got together to put together my cousin Kiara's wedding shower and bachelorette party.
With a month filled with the new beginnings everywhere I turn I am faced with a sense of bitterness and sweetness. Every time I get on facebook I see babies. I look at my email and there are always a handful of baby related emails (can't stop them from coming I have tried everything) I get my mail each day and again baby coupons, formula samples, baby magazines ( can't stop them either), I open up my closet and there are some maternity shirts I forgot to pack up or go into the storage to look for some important paper and am overwhelmed with all of Wyatt's things, I turn on the T.V. and there they are again BABIES. I know that it has been like this always but I am more aware of all of it now and it sneaks up on me when I least expect it. My new beginning did not go as planned but I realize through my sadness that I still must be happy for all the joy around me and new beginnings that are happening to all those I love so much. So I know I have to wake up put my makeup on and wait to see what the day has in store for me to keep me going each day.
August makes us a little over 3 months out from Wyatt's passing and 4 months since we were blessed with him. Can't believe we are here today. When he passed I did not think I would breathe easy ever again or smile and feel like I can love like I do today. I still have incredibly sad days where it does not seem like the storm ever passes but when I least expect it the sun comes creeping in and fills me with peace. I am so thankful that prayers are answered and I feel the "good" days gradually out numbering the "bad" ones and things are all in all getting to be easier again.
Thanks to all of you who keep praying for us and keep us in your thoughts... You all have no idea how much it still means to us and we get our strength from each and everyone of you that love us and care so deeply for us. We are grateful for each and every one of you.
