AWAKENING - June 12, 2012

Awakening - pronounced: a-wak-en-ing
Meaning:  1. An act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
                 2. Coming into existence or awareness.

This is what I had a pure eyeopening AWAKENING... The last few days were what I call grueling... 

We went to the doctors to get blood testing and plans made for the future with my new normal of blood disorders and such (main problem with what went wrong with Wyatt) and what that means moving forward. Then from there we went to our first monthly meeting for parents in the same boat we are in- loss of a child club- A club we would not ever want to be part of or even dream people go to.. but they do and now us too. Then from there lots of questions and feelings started to brew on this wayward road called grief. 

I realized that I have been blogging about the death of our child and not the healing that comes with it. I am the kind of person that looks at each season of my life good or bad and tries to find the joy and things I can be grateful for to bring from one journey to the next. With Wyatt I was getting caught up in the sadness of his journey and the fact that he is gone and not the healing that needs to happen because he is gone. It is a double edged sword... I live one minute, right now, thinking my Wyatt is gone and he is never coming back and my heart is ripped from me again... but I also, in the next minute, remember he lived and every life should be celebrated and I need to start the celebration of my son not just allow myself to live in the sadness of his absence. It is a thin line from one to the other and I know that I will flip flop back and forth between the two feelings but I have been AWAKENED and know for me I must start to heal and live and tell the tale of celebration and  not just the unbearable sadness that comes with this journey. 

The meaning of Awakening above has two parts to it as so much to our story does as well. 

The first meaning: The act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something. This happened to me on Thursday night. We were back at my Aunt and Uncle's house for my doctors appointment the next morning... We were talking about my blog and how it was going and if it was helping with my healing... I thought about it before I answered and said " I guess it is I really had not thought about it being a healing source. I am blogging more for the fact that I want everyone to get to know Wyatt and what he meant to us since so many people mean so much to us it is only right to let them get to know this part of us that is such a huge part to who we are." My aunt agreed and somehow Justin was asked what he thought of my blog. I was certain that he would answer with something like I agree with her or I really like the blog.. but I was taken really off guard with his reply. He said " I can't read it anymore... It makes me so sad and I was there with Steph and know what happened I don't have to keep reliving it with reading it." I looked at him so shocked and confused. I told him, Hey now you told me that it was a good idea to right this and have been encouraging me with every post to keep on chugging with the whole blog thing. He said I know but that does  not mean I have to read it and live it with you that's you and this is me. We went back and forth until we came to an understanding that was okay he felt this way and I felt my way. I became so aware in that moment that it is okay to grieve and do things differently - there is no wrong or right. I also became suddenly aware that my posts are hard and raw and where was me in them? Where was the me that always,even when my mom passed away, could look at it and look for the good and not focus on the tragedy of the bad. I re-read my posts from the last few weeks and out of 5 posts only 1 post did I talk about the greatness of my son and the gift that  he has given me today through his life- I spoke mostly of  what happened to him like the other posts. I realized I have to stop the details of the tragedy because that is not the important part but what is important here is that Wyatt lived and his legacy is just this HE LIVED and was and that in itself is something that I am forever grateful for. Lots of good came from his life however brief that I need to focus on that from here on out.

The second meaning of AWAKENING is coming into existence of awareness. I can honestly say that this happened last night. 

We went to our first meeting with a national group that the hospital told me about. It is made up of people who have lost their child or children at any age at any time from anything. The members making up the Pueblo chapter are very nice and welcoming folks. The meeting started just like any other we were in a circle so everyone could focus on who was sharing when it was their time to share. Since we were new to the group everyone thought it would be a good thing to share their personal stories of loss so we would know who they were and their story as well as feel that we were not alone in our journey. The first shared of their tragic horrible loss and the events that lead up to the loss and the details of the loss itself. By the time it got to Justin and I , I was numb and physically feeling ill. I thought I was going to loose my marbles right there so Justin took the stage and told a brief and very vague encounter of our journey and what our loss was and is about. Then there were 3 more people to share after we had and then it was time for open discussion. I realized that not one person in that group (which most had losses that were 5 or more years out) shared how they were healing or what good might have come from their tragic event in losing their child. I am not a judgmental person in any way shape or form but I found myself judging secretly these people who I was surrounded by. They were so caught up in the grief and the sadness and just getting by without the child they lost that they forgot that the world is still a good place if you let it be and there so much beauty and peace that can touch us if we welcome it in. I wanted to yell "STOP just wait a minute" Smile and be grateful because you had time with your child, You know love and isn't that enough? Then I remembered that I want to choose this path for me and others might not or not be able to with where they are with there loss and grief and you know what - that is OK. 

After we got home from the meeting I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to figure out which way I want to go with my grief  1. talk about it all the time or 2. live to heal and celebrate that I was given a gift that will forever be my gift and just for that I can smile and know I am going to be okay and it's going to be hard but again I will be OK. Knowing that I still have been able to have this beautiful, precious, once in a lifetime gift and no one can take that away from me at the end of the day. Years from now I will always be able to tell my story but years from now, in that meeting, I want to also tell the beauty and hope that came from our journey with Wyatt as well as the journey with him. 

So what's next for me --


HEALING  pronounced: he-al-ing
meaning: -growing sound; getting well; mending.

 I have to remember that this is something that has changed both myself and Justin and those that walked this journey with me and for that reason it is raw for each of us talking, writing and just remembering our walk with Wyatt. There is nothing easy about it -but it happened and now what??? HEALING- we must heal and walk the new lives each of us have and balance the joy of having him around for the little time we did and the hope and learning that comes with the tragedy.


I am going to start to write down things that make me grateful each time they pop in my head and things I am learning from my loss. Sometimes I might look at the notebook I set aside for this and have nothing wrote down at the end of each day or other times I might fill more than one page and either way it is OK. I have to start to take the pressure of the acceptance of my sons death and focus on the celebration of his life.


I planned right after the meeting with my aunt and some other family members to try to put together a group that we can still share our feelings and sadness, because it will always be there, but joy has to creep back into our lives and a group that helps with that is what I think would help in a time like this. I want to honor my sons memory and his legacy has to go on... he was strong and brave and fought for this very thing I still have LIFE...and I will not let his be in vain so I have to try to help others heal as well as let them help me heal and together we all can heal and bring that joy of just living back into our lives.
So off my soap box and back to the plan of a Healing group that I hope can and will help not only me but others who have this badge of loss to wear cope and deal. I want to sponsor a member each month and their loved one who is gone by giving back in their honor and memory. For starters my Wyatt, the first month would be his month to honor and remember him. The ordeal we went through was grueling and hard and if it were not for the staff at the hospital we would have not been able to get through the long days there. They would talk to us and get us anything they thought would help during this time (most reading materials of grief and loss of a child). But also when Wyatt passed they put together a beautiful memory for us of a plaster cast of his hands and feel as well as when he was still with us having Now I Lay me Down to Sleep, a photography non profit that comes in and takes photos for families to have everlasting memories of their loved ones, come in and take our first and last family photos that we cherish and will always be so grateful for them. The hospital put all of these things together for us not because they had to but because they wanted to out of pure caring love.
Being there with Wyatt , I feel like us (the group i hope to have) putting together a memory box for each family to be given in the NICU when they are facing the same outcome as we were might offer comfort  hope in a time you feel so alone. I remember asking over and over is there anyone we can talk to that went through this to make this a little easier as we walk this road... that was the only thing that was so hard thinking we were alone in this even though I knew we were not I wanted to know another person that had to do the things we were being faced with and know that they are okay and we would be too. But with all the hospital could offer this was something they could not. I want to share our Wyatt with these people and let them feel that hope and healing will come and they are not alone. By doing the memory boxes and later on giving the families who have been touched by loss, a place to come to when they are ready would be the ultimate celebration and tribute to the life of my Wyatt and all of us who have lost.


Lets share our loss but also rebuild our love, zest and hope for the new life we must face. Again off track and back on with the Group of loss that we want to start... Each month we would honor another loved one and do something to give back and carry on the legacy of the loved one while celebrating who they were and what they meant to us. Like making memory boxes, fleece blankets/snack boxes for cancer patients, mini memory gardens for people who are struggling and feeling alone, military care packages for those who are gone and fighting for us and so much more. We must and will always grieve but more importantly we will heal and find hope if we choose to walk that road.


My posts are going to look a bit different from now on ...still I will be carefully walking the rocky road of grief and there will be ups and downs that I will share and reflect on with the tragedy of losing Wyatt but also savor the taste of Healing and hope that through this you will all still want walk this journey with me. Wyatt was my precious gift and I want to give this gift to each of you--- god knows there's lots to go around :) So lets all hope and heal together and remember the bad but live the good ! Until next time........

Apart- May 7-8, 2012

It's funny thinking back I think of the quote "Absence makes the heart grow founder." and now I know what that means first hand. Then and now more than ever this quote means so much.


After having Wyatt I had to stay in the hospital while Justin was down at Children's with Wyatt. I was aching for my baby and my husband so much as they were for me to. This was not supposed to be this way... we were supposed to be admiring this miracle together and looking forward to the future with him... instead we were apart and fearing what our future might hold. Things were scary and unknown and I was out of touch with things around me. People always say it fells like a dream.. a foggy dream... I now know what they mean and what that feels like. The days that I was in the hospital were so foggy and dream like.. I was so unaware of things from hour to hour I only wanted to get out. This was a place that such happy things were happening all around me... new families being formed and babies crying for the first time and being comforted by their parents... mothers nursing their new babies daddies running back and forth getting ice water and snacks for their wives, grandmas and grandpas bursting with pride for their kids and this was all around me 24 hours a day. It at times felt so unbearable but I had my family with me to get me through my time there and I knew my faith and strength. 


I focused on the one thing I knew my baby would need as soon as I could get to him and that was milk... the nourishment I could give him at least I hoped I was still going to be able to. The whole time I was pregnant I looked forward to breastfeeding my Wyatt. I could not wait to have that time and closeness with him. I made sure as soon as the morning came on Saturday I would be able to meet with a breastfeeding coach and get my milk to come in so that once I got down there I would be ready to feed Wyatt when he was ready.. not knowing when or if that was going to happen I focused on it because I felt that I was doing my part to support our baby since I could not be with him. I learned everything I could about breastfeeding pumped every 3 hours and was doing everything the coach told me to do so that I would get that milk going and ready for my sweet Wyatt. Within the couple days I was in the hospital my milk came in and I was so excited to bring it with me when I was released and know that once I got down there it would be on hand for Wyatt when he was ready for it. It might have not been the way I had in mind that this special time between him and I was going to go, but at least I was able to get a little storage going so that he did not miss out on it completely I thought.


Saturday the 7th was a very long day. Nurses coming in and out of my room pressing on my tummy to get my uterus contracting and back down to normal afterbirth. Hurt like you know what.. but it seemed to mask some of the mental pain I was feeling. That morning one nurse came in and told me it was time to get up and walk around so that I could work on getting out of there... I was all for it until I actually had to do. It really was uncomfortable and I was afraid I was pulling my stitches as I got up in the bed and pulled myself over the side of it to get on my feet... I kept my eye on the prize that as soon as I did all they asked I would be released and get down to Children's ( I was probably an ideal patient because I was so careful not to have my time there delayed in any way shape or form). The morning went good until that afternoon when one of my nurses came in and told me that she spoke with the doctor who delivered me and he told here that my blood pressure was high and they were going to keep me through Sunday and would re evaluate for maybe releasing me on Monday. I was so disappointed and cried the rest of the day. The good thing was my dad and my step mom had got in town earlier that day from Oklahoma and were there with me as well as my cousins (who are like my sisters). They all took turns spending the night with me each night so that I would not be alone and they kept things light trying to keep me upbeat. I was grateful to have all my family there and tried to stay positive. I remember eating lots of fruit and grilled cheese sandwiches and kept thinking I am not pregnant anymore why am I eating like I still am... but it was so easy when all you had to do was say you were hungry and wallah my cousins would have someone bring it to me shortly after... sort of miss that!


Night came on Saturday and it was a really long day so I was ready to try and get some sleep before Sunday and hopefully I could still maybe be released so that I could spend Easter with Justin and Wyatt. I called Justin for the 50th time that day and was telling him my plans to go to bed but he sounded different this time. I asked him why he was sounding a bit different and he told me things were looking not so good.... There was a significant problem with Wyatt's kidneys and he was not sure if it could be fixed... he was not 100% sure what was wrong he just knew it was bad... looking back now I think he was shielding me by not telling me everything since there was nothing I could do and I would not be able to get out with my blood pressure remaining high. I told him that I would pray and call him back. Just as I hung up the phone Wyatt's doctor called me on the other line checking in as she had promised to do in case I had any questions of my own for her. I explained to her that I had just got off the phone with Justin and he had told me that there were issues with Wyatt's kidneys... she concurred and told me that Wyatt was in kidney failure at that moment and they were trying everything they could to get them working... I was in complete shock. I asked her what this meant and she told me that it meant that without the kidneys functioning nothing else in Wyatt was going to get better. I could not believe the words she was saying I then asked her would Wyatt's life was in danger and she flat out with no holding back told me yes and that things were very bad and we would need him to make a big turn around and soon to get him to a state of stable. I think I dropped the phone and broke down. I could not hold it together and called Justin back and told him what she said. He knew what she told me and tried to comfort me the best he could through the phone. I was in a state of complete shock and dismay. I knew that things were grim and all I could do was pray. I prayed for a miracle and for god to walk with Wyatt and Justin while I was away from them. That he would hold Wyatt in his hands and bring him comfort and I know that God was the God of all things and can heal all things and I prayed that he would heal my little Wyatt. My cousin suggested I take a warm shower to help calm me and relax me so that  my BP would not get worse. I got into the shower and as the nurse was helping me get my dressing off of my c-section incision my family was in my room praying for out little Wyatt and the gift of a miracle. Just then      almost 2 hours from when I had talked to Wyatt's doctor I heard a loud scream and lots of crying and yelling from my room... my cousin Brittney ran into the bathroom where I was showering and was crying and yelling... I tried to make out what she was saying and who she was on my phone with.. I was frozen and thought this is it Wyatt is gone... she then slowed down and said "Wyatt peed.. he peed.... he is peeing..." I feel back on the chair they put in the shower and started to sob.... I could not believe it God answered out prayer and my little Wyatt was peeing and as long as he did this then that meant his little kidneys were stating to work and do what they were supposed to... things were going to get better God was answering our prayers. I gave him glory and thanks for this  miracle we had witnessed tonight. 


Justin was on the phone and I could hear the tears welling up inside of him a weight was lifted and it was the first of many hurdles that we had crossed. We were overjoyed and so optimistic since this was so dire a few hours prior but now with this huge change things would fall into place and get better. We gave thanks to our Father together and said goodnight.. I told him to give lots and lots of kisses to my little monkey Wyatt and tell him that I loved him and was so proud of my little brave strong boy. He said I am kissing him now and will let you know if anything changes. I went to sleep with a lighter heart that night.

Here is Wyatt with his Easter  Lamb

The next day was Easter and that morning when I called Justin to check in Linda answered and said that Justin was getting Wyatt a special present from mommy and daddy for Easter (it ended up being the sweetest little angel lamb that played "You are my Sunshine" Wyatt loved it) and she would have him call me. Two hours went by until I heard from Justin but so I called back again and Linda answered again... she said things were going sooo good that Wyatt had done so well overnight and in the morning since peeing last night that they were getting ready to hand him over to Justin to hold him for the first time.. she was starting to cry and I told her to take lots and lots of pictures for me.... It was amazing I remember thinking. How strong and what a little fighter my son is he turned what seemed the end the night before to getting to be held by his daddy the
 next day... simply amazing! Within 20 minutes Justin was calling me and said it was indescribable holding his son for the first time... really it was the first time he had held in any baby - no joke. He kept saying over and over it was awesome to hold his little man and he didn't want to let go, but with Wyatt still being so sick, he only was able to hold him for less than 10 minutes... 10 of the sweetest minutes... because Wyatt's blood pressure fell a bit. He said it was the best Easter he had ever had and I agreed -- how amazing and the lord was doing all this on such a special day with so much meaning.

Justin's first time holding Wyatt

I was in better spirits all day and later that evening was joined by all my close family and a dear friend for a Easter visit. I remember my Aunt Toni brought me an Easter egg scuba diver that my little cousin Cameron had made for Wyatt. The week before Cameron and I looked up Easter egg decorating ideas and we had found a site that showed you how to make scuba divers out of  eggs.. We were going to make them on Friday after my appointment but we all know that did not go as planned, so Cameron made them for all of us at the hospital to make Easter a little bit brighter. They were so cute and made me feel a little more normal since things were so abnormal. 

Scuba Diver Eggs

That night my doctor, who was leaving for Disneyland with his family the next day, called and told me that he was going to start me on a blood pressure medicine and would be in tomorrow (Monday) morning at around 6-7 am to release me. I was sooo excited and looking forward for the morning to come... My dad and step mom stayed with me that night so as soon as I was released we could leave right away and get on the road to get to my Wyatt. I did not sleep much that night and as morning came I was ready showered, hair done things packed and waiting for the doctor to come and release me. Things were back on track and I would be with my Wyatt and Justin sooner than later. 

Reflecting- June 4, 2012

As I reflect over the last month without our little Wyatt I am reminded of the joy he brought to Justin and me. He made our lives complete if only for the 28 days he was here with us. He made us better people and stronger together. He brought us happiness beyond measure. He made us grow even closer to our father in heaven. 


I reflect about the good things that came from our little man... he was so precious and beautiful. He loved to have his little legs and hands rubbed. We loved doing this for him... he would completely relax and kick his little legs straight out and his hands would wave up in the air and once we started to rub them for him they would relax and open up completely.They had a thing at the hospital called Freddie the Frog that Wyatt loved... it was a bean bag thing that propped him up on his tummy so that he could  sleep like that... he loved it when we put him on it. He loved having his head stroked... his hair was always so slicked to his head because everyone that came to see him could not resist his full head of beautiful hair and stroking it on his perfect little head. He loved to be sung to... if he was crying it would put him right to sleep. He loved to hear his daddy, when Justin would come into the room the monitors would show Wyatt's heart rate go up and he would move his little head back and forth and try to focus on where Justin was in the room when he was talking to Wyatt. He loved to be held and snuggled by all of us...he would go right to sleep and as soon as we put him down he would make a sad little face and of coarse we would pick him right back up and take turns until he feel asleep again. He loved skin to skin with me and I did with him as well... he would get so comfy that sometimes he would even drool a little and I savored every minute of it. He loved the time we got to take him outside.. He breathed deep to take in the fresh air and did his "bunny nose" the whole time we were outside. He loved bath time so much that every time we gave him one within 2 minutes in it he would pee and when we took him out he would cry so loud ( he never cried much only when we put him down after holding him and when we took him out of the bath). He loved his little stuffed animal buddies that family brought him, especially a little angel lamb that Justin bought him for Easter that played "You are my Sunshine" when you pressed it's wings and a Precious moment baby  boy, that my Aunt Jody and Uncle Bob gave him. that would pray for him when you pressed it's little hands, Wyatt would just stare at it. He loved all his grandparents who would talk to him and love on him when they came to visit him... He will always be LOVED.

There is so much more that I remember that were beautiful moments with my little monkey that I will cherish and hold close and today has been a good day because I have these memories to reflect on and hold in my heart. I am so grateful for every minute we had with him and all the things we were able to experience. It truly was a blessing and today I am reminded of how lucky I am to have had him choose me to be his mom and Justin to be his dad.