OBGY-ME

What a crazy couple of months!!! Lots of wonderful things happened and I am so grateful to be part of each and every moment.
 Well I have been thinking so much lately about what it means to have a baby these days. So exciting for sure and a miracle in every sense of the word! But still with where medicine and medical teaching is today there is still sooo much unknown about it. I would have to put it up there with one of the wonders of the world.
 

My Grandma & Aunt

When I was around the age of 8 or 9 I remember my great-grandmother had a picture that was her mother's that had children in it dressed to impress- one of those pictures where no one smiles but you still get a sense of each person's personality. I asked who each child was and my grandma went though each one.. this is me, this is my brother Frank and so on and then she got to Margaret, she said it was her sister that went in for an eye surgery and  passed away-she was only 8. I remember saying how sad that was and then my grandmother told me about how when she was pregnant she had a beautiful baby girl named Connie that passed away within hours of being born- I asked if she had a picture of her she said no that back then they did not take pictures of babies in the hospital like they do now. As children do I thought how sad it was and then moved on to the next picture in the stack. The only time I had heard about children passing away was this conversation and playing Oregon trail where every now and a green worded message would pop up on the screen and say you had to stop because Tommy had passed away and there would be a cross on the side of the road and back on the trail you would go never thinking twice about it.
 
Moving forward a few years I was around 12 and was at a sleep over with a few friends talking about the boys we were going to marry and what kind of lives we were going to have. We planned everything- the house we would live in, the jobs we would have and how many children we would have and of course the names we would give them. Never once did it occur to me that something would go wrong with this plan and it may not turn out the way I thought.
 
I am now 16 and having the talk with my parents and what would happen if I were to get pregnant. Awkward and embarrassing I tried to muffle through it. Never once did it occur to me that maybe it still would not work out how I planned ... I was not planning on having a baby until I was married and at that point still everything was going to be perfect when that time came.
 
Out of my teens and 21, at this point I am married and not even considering children but I have a few friends that have babies. I was there when a few of them were born and the births went as planned other than having to have a c-section for one of them because the baby would not make it the traditional way. The babies were perfect and so was the mamas. At the time I did think I was not ready to have my own but when the time came I would be sooo excited and it would be an amazing moment in my life. Still no idea that things might not go as planned I moved forward with life.
 
Now we fast forward to 28, I am 2 months pregnant and unbelievably joyful even though I can't keep water down. It was my time and I was going to be a mom. I read a little in the book of what to expect when expecting and some other things here and there and being naive but realistic at the time I thought, I decided early on that anything negative was just overcautious people writing and talking about warnings like early/late miscarriage, stillbirth, cord accidents, placental ruptures and so on. I could not imagine any of these because luckily I did not know anyone other than my great grandmother and Justin's grandpa who had lost babies. I was confident with medicine and the medical field as a whole that if something did go wrong it would be fixable- if we have the ability to clone someone then why could we not make pregnancy and birth 99.9% successful. I did not even consider the rest of my pregnancy anything would go wrong so I moved forward with planning the nursery and picking the perfect name. I instead started the dreaming of who my child would be and what kind of life he would have.
 
Fast forward to May 2012--- REALITY CHECK. Life came with a thunder and hit me hard. Having a baby was not as easy and cut and dry as I had thought. I was consumed with thoughts of what I could have should have done to change what happened. I relived every minute in my mind of being pregnant and tried to pin point when things changed. I could not figure it out.
 
I looked for an outlet to help me understand and talked in detail with my doctor who reassured me over and over there was nothing I did wrong or could have done different to change the outcome of my birth story. I felt more settled but something inside of me felt so alone in this I mean the only person I knew who had any complications were old and medicine and technology had come so far since then so today who could I reach out to I was the only one I knew who had lost a baby in this new era. I could not find the resources I was looking for so I turned to the web and seached baby loss and unfourtantnly but fourtunantly (I know that sounds strange but when you are in that place it is comforting to know you are not the only one) there was a community of us. I clicked on the first site and the was woman after woman from all walks of life of all ages with stories of pregnancy and neonatal loss, infertility and many of ther OB issues that made having a family difficult or sadly impossible. They poured their hearts out and told their stories of loss, love and perceverance.
 
A dark heavy curtain that was always there was pulled down infront of this community all the way up to April 6, 2012, when Wyatt was born, the curtain was lifted I was now part of a sisterhood that no one ever thinks exists but we all know does. We all have something in common that people really never talk about complications or loss of pregnancy that result in devastion and loss of hopes, dreams and sometimes faith. I could not let this beat me but I had to understand it since it was something I was sooo unfamiluar with and was just being introduced to. It was sort of like an aquaintance who's name and face you know and other than the few times you ran into that person you never really thought about them. They are not part of your daily lives, they are not part of your circle, they are not a friend or foe. This is was my past with the thoughts of tragedy in having a baby I knew it happened but not in these times and especially not to me.... I was wrong and now am understanding that there are so many women out there that deal with this daily and some talk about it but the majority live with it and never talk about this taboo new normal.
 
After our loss and finding this sisterhood of women that were dealing with simiular things I decided to blog and from there on I have come into contact with soooo many woman that have told me my friends and family of their struggles of not being able to concieve, miscarriage, stillbirth or losing a baby shortly after giving birth. I could not believe how many women have such terrible circumstances and never do we ever speak about it until it happens to someone you know or yourself.
 
In a era where we are so open and understanding there is still something wrong with us taking our minds or hearts to a place where woman may not be able to do what we have done for years ...conceive and then on top of that if they do we cannont even fathom that something like losing the baby would happen not to mention that if you are fourtnante to have give birth to a child it would pass away-- baby and death do not ever go together and make the majority of people cringe and become very uncomfortable when it comes up. I was one of them before that dark but very real curtain was lifted. There is nothing wrong with this but most people are just not in the place where one of these woman have shared their story or they have been personally touched by the loss of fertiltiy of a baby. Becuase we are in this era and times are changing there is still so much unknown about fertility,pregnancy and infants that I think it is safe to say making the choice to become pregnant or becoming pregnant holds so many unknowns and cautions we should all be aware of even though it really is uncomfortable to think bad things happen wtih something so beautiful and miraculous.
 
I looked up the words Obstetrics and Gynecology and found the definition to read :
 
OBGYN- Of or relating to the profession of obstetrics or the care of women during and after pregnancy
 
I could have sworn it somewhere in the definition it would say mind reader, psyhic, godlike, perfect. Shockingly  it did not have even one of these words. It says people in this field are human and are like you and me and when we go into see our OBGYN we find ourselves putting the lives of our unborn children and everything that goes with that in their hands and we expect it to be perfect. In so many cases it does not happen this way. I put everything into my OBGYN's hands and thought it will all be perfect this is what they do and if something is wrong they will know and they will tell me and fix it. This field and those working in it have come so far and yet there is so much unknown.. other than a way to open up our bellies take a look around each time we go in to see them and waving a magic wand they are at the mercy of our bodies and what we tell them.
 
My doctor this summer after a long appointment with us told me something that many others working in the field say... Pregnancy is a disease and until there is a healthy baby born it can go any way. After reasearch and talking with loads of others I completely agree and fully understand why they feel this way now.
 
Goverment Statistics show:
 
* There are about 6 million births each year in the USA
                     
                      4,058,000 live births
                      1,995,840 pregnancy losses
 
*Out of the above statistics every year in the USA there are pregnancy complications that follow:

• 875,000 woman experience one or more pregnancy complications
• 458,952 babies are born to mothers without adequate prenatal care
• 467,201 babies are born prematurely
• 307,030 babies are born with Low Birth Weight
• 154,051 children are born with Birth Defects
• 27,864 infants die before their first birthday

*Statistics for over 60 Million woman every year in the USA who are within child bearing years show:

                   6,000,000 woman deal with infertiltiy

 

Crazy.... I know..... These statistics are much better than years ago but the numbers are still high when you figure most of us think that having a baby will be perfect and if you are like me I was more worried about stretch marks and the pain with giving birth and if I would be a good parent to this little baby than what would threaten having this perfect baby. My eyes are open and I am aware now that having a baby is not what I was taught my whole life.... there are ups and downs and things no one talks about.

 

In conclusion, it is bittersweet when I say I am glad I am educated and the door is open to discuss this and educate others but in the end I would not change anything about my journey with Wyatt and the story of his birth and deciding and becoming pregnant was the best choice I made in my life so far and I would never want it to be any different even if I knew how it was going to go. Most of the women I have talked with or read their stories would not change their experiences either in end. Having a child is one of God's greatest gifts and mysteries that none of us will ever fully understand. I have learned that rather you have had a child, adopt a child, or someone else carries your child for you the moment we think about our baby we are all parents that love, nurture, dream and hope for our children the same way.




Justin & his mom



My mom & me



Wyatt & me





Wyatt

To: Our Sweet Baby Wyatt

I was supposed to write a letter to him but instead I decided that a video tribute would best describe how much he meant to us and countinues to feel our lives with love! We picked the song and each picture with him in mind and it sums up everything we would tell him if we could~ 

With all our hearts and being we send all our love to you where you are little monkey!
xo-Daddy & Mama 

UPDATE- August 18, 2012

July was a whirlwind of a month...

Blood tests and Doctor visits filled the weeks of July. To consider conceiving again in our future Justin and I were faced with lots of questions and scenarios to start to consider our choices in having a family. When Wyatt was born because of the pathology report of his cord and the placenta, we had to wait 3 months from his birth (so my hormones were closer to normal) for me to get a battery of blood tests for certain blood clotting disorders that may have been the culprit...but after lots of tubes of blood we have come to find that this was most likely not genetic and was just a horrible tragedy that was most likely caused by a kink in Wyatt's cord while he was in utero that slowed the blood flow and when the blood flow slows small clots will form and transfer between him and I as they did in this case. There is still a small chance that this could be a rare blood clotting disorder that we will never know (because there is thousands and thousands of disorders and no way to test for all of them) so the risk and choice is once again ours to try to have another baby in the future. On one side we told ourselves that we would never risk anything like this happening again so absolutely we would have to go with adoption or surrogacy..but after meeting with different doctors with different backgrounds our minds have eased and we realize that we all take risks everyday and some smaller than others but all in all there is a risk to everything and we have alot to think about and weigh out many different options that all would hopefully result in a healthy baby in the end. 
As the time gets near to make the choice we know we will have all the support of those we love and those that love us and we have the best of the best for doctors that will lead us to the best decision for us and we are so very grateful. I will update you all gain as the time grows near to our choice in which way we will go for a family of our own.
We have talked many hours about adoption, surrogacy and trying again but nothing seems to concrete right now and our hearts as well as our doctors say let things lie until the time is here to make the difficult choice..... so right now we are enjoying each other and the memory of our sweet baby Wyatt and all the love he has given us and we hope to share with another little one down the road when the time is right...for now though we hope that Wyatt and our future baby or babies are playing together and watching over their mom and dad.

July also held a bittersweet experience. I was blessed with the opportunity to hold a sweet little baby for the first time since I held by own sweet Wyatt. A very close friend of my family was graced with the joy of a having a precious little girl on my scheduled due date April 17 (she was 3 weeks early just like Wyatt). She was born almost the same time as Wyatt and weighed in at 5 lbs and 9oz the same as Wyatt and was just as beautiful as he was. She was over my aunts house with her loving mama and they were sleeping over while I was staying there.
I felt I was ready as the time grew closer that they would be getting to my aunt and unlce's house and with my heart beating faster and faster I heard my cousin say they were here and my aunt doubled checked with me again that I would be okay. Justin had to work and was back in Pueblo and I was spending the week up in Berthoud for some Dr. appointments  so I would have to do this without him. I told my aunt again that things were okay and I would have to do this at some point I could not live in a hole where no babies would ever be allowed unless they were my own. We laughed together but inside I was shaking and scared but happy too.
Mama and baby came in and my eyes automatically went straight to baby M and locked. I find myself doing this all the time in public places and always think ..."STOP IT". random mothers don't know my loss and they probably think why is this crazy lady in Target staring at my baby without any words or expression (one time I did start crying while doing my crazy stare and that probably was horribly alarming for the mama so I am so happy I have made it past the crying)...I have been working on this and apologize to all the mamas of random babies that I have alarmed :)
Baby M was within arms length of me and I felt the tears well up and the uncomfortableness that was in the room waiting for me to react. I pulled myself together and decided it was best for me to go sit in the living room and things to calm a bit to hold this sweet baby that resembled mine so much... thoughts were racing through my head should I just hold her.. would this be what Wyatt would be like... I hope I am not making baby M's mama uncomfortable... what is everyone thinking I should be doing right now... just thoughts literally coming in and out of me with no stop. I took quite a few deep breaths and just keep watching my cousin hold that baby. Then my arms started to ache without warning and I went into my guest room to let out a few tears alone and once again calm myself. I returned back to the living room and knew everyone knew I had cried a bit and I quickly called my cousin Kiara in the other room to start working on her wedding invitations. We left baby M with the rest of my family in the living room and went into the office. I felt relieved and calm knowing that I had an excuse to not take down my wall of safety quite yet and ease into being so close to a baby as I was once with Wyatt.
A few hours passed and Kiara was leaving and things were really quite at my aunt and uncle's house. Before I knew it the words escaped me and I reached and out and asked to hold baby M. She was placed in my arms... my aching arms. My eyes filled with tears as I looked down at her and how peaceful she was sleeping in my arms... just as Wyatt had been. These arms were his arms and he was supposed to be sleeping in them... my heart was overwhelmed with sadness and joy.. joy that I was able to hold this baby and remember my Wyatt in my arms the feeling of a baby in them again was beautiful and filled me with a bittersweet peace and love. I listened to sweet baby breaths in and out and felt them on my chest as I did with Wyatt. Nothing feels better I swear. I rubbed her soft little hands and toes and admired how they were so perfect just like Wyatt's were. I took all of her in and held onto everything just as I did with Wyatt. What a special time this was.
I held her for an hour or so and then it was time to give her to her mama. I was snapped back into reality that this was not my baby and her mama had to tend to her like I would be doing for my Wyatt if he was here. I gave her to her mama and was so grateful that I had the chance to hold her and was so thankful that I made it through one of many hurdles in my grief and journey after Wyatt. Thank you baby M's mama for sharing her with me it means everything to me that you let me love her.

July also held a first of many I am sure. We had to purchase a new car after ours had been acting up after being wrecked by the valet at Children's Hospital. They fixed it during the time Wyatt was at Children's but it just was never the same and broke down so we decided it was best to get a new car. We had just bought that car when I found out I was pregnant so that we would have reliable family friendly car we could grow into. So it was also another bittersweet moment of may I am sure. We went to the dealership down here and picked out the car we wanted (same once as our other just newer and not wrecked). As we test drove it the sales guy asked if we had any children...my stomach dropped and I was caught off guard. Justin quickly replied no. I felt a little angry yes we did have child just not here... I looked at him and gave him the eye... the one he gets when he knows he crossed a boundary.. he gave me his eye back. The salesman knew something was off and began to ask if everything was okay. I told him yes we had a son but unfortananlty he had passed away. He then started telling us about his wife who had passed away years before and that things will get better just like everyone else always says when they feel uncomfortable.
We went through the process and bought the car and the rest is history. As we were driving home I was still bothered by Justin's reply and asked him why he would answer that way. He said "I only want to share Wyatt with the people I feel will love him like we do. I did not want to share him with that guy I choose who needs to know him and who I think doesn't." I looked out the window for awhile and thought about that. I agreed with him. I don't have to tell everyone I meet or asks if we have children about Wyatt. He is so special and some people will cherish knowing him through our story and others will feel no different than before they knew of him. To make it easier on us I decided that it is okay to answer the question of Do we have kids? with no sometimes and save the sting of hurt that always follows that question with having to explain yes but no.
I learned alot that day and I am thankful to have Justin and his wisdom that force me to open my heart and myself to the other side of things when it comes to walking this journey.

Now moving into August... What a month so far!

I again got to hang out with the sweetest little thing baby M for 4 days straight as we all got together to put together my cousin Kiara's wedding shower and bachelorette party.

With a month filled with the new beginnings everywhere I turn I am faced with a sense of  bitterness and sweetness. Every time I get on facebook I see babies. I look at my email and there are always a handful of baby related emails (can't stop them from coming I have tried everything) I get my mail each day and again baby coupons, formula samples, baby magazines ( can't stop them either), I open up my closet and there are some maternity shirts I forgot to pack up or go into the storage to look for some important paper and am overwhelmed with all of Wyatt's things, I turn on the T.V. and there they are again BABIES. I know that it has been like this always but I am more aware of all of it now and it sneaks up on me when I least expect it. My new beginning did not go as planned but I realize through my sadness that I still must be happy for all the joy around me and new beginnings that are happening to all those I love so much. So I know I have to wake up put my makeup on and wait to see what the day has in store for me to keep me going each day.

August makes us a little over 3 months out from Wyatt's passing and 4 months since we were blessed with him. Can't believe we are here today. When he passed I did not think I would breathe easy ever again or smile and feel like I can love like I do today. I still have incredibly sad days where it does not seem like the storm ever passes but when I least expect it the sun comes creeping in and fills me with peace. I am so thankful that prayers are answered and I feel the "good" days gradually out numbering the "bad" ones and things are all in all getting to be easier again.

Thanks to all of you who keep praying for us and keep us in your thoughts... You all have no idea how much it still means to us and we get our strength from each and everyone of you that love us and care so deeply for us. We are grateful for each and every one of you.

Home- July 10, 2012

This post was inevitable and I have not blogged in awhile in anticipation for this post. But I guess since it weighs on my heart that I just need to jump in and get it out.

I know the question to our story that most people find themselves wanting to know but are to kind to ask is what happened to our sweet boy....how there was an end to a bittersweet beginning.

Wyatt was okay for the first week of life and was actually making improvements and then right around the 2nd week he was with us he started to change in a gradual way that did not jump out and alarm any of us but from hour to hour things kept changing in a downward spiral.  

He came down with a staph infection that came out of nowhere... he started to have liver problems and he was getting quite fussy (which was not normal for our monkey) and last but not least he was starting to loose his awareness of us and things going on around him. He was starting to have some breathing problems without explanation and he was losing ground on his medical gains for no rime or reason that anyone could find.

When he was 10 days old an MRI of his brain was called for just really for a precaution due to his recent problems... before we go into that actually I guess I should explain.. when Wyatt was born due to a lack of oxygen from my placenta and the cord being filled with blood clots there was always a risk, a strong possibility, that our boy was going to have some cognitive and developmental issues that overtime as he grew would probably present themselves. We were asked if we wanted to have an MRI of his brain when he was around 3 days old to see what damage if any had been done and what we could maybe expect for Wyatt and his cognitive and developmental health. We kindly turned down the elective MRI knowing that we were going to love him no matter how well he could read, talk, walk etc. I remember saying to the Doctors who asked us "We are going home with him no matter what an MRI shows - What other option was there so why make chaos and questions- we want to just enjoy him and cross the bridges we needed to when we would need to but for now lets just sit back and wait to see what Wyatt does and where he leads us." He was perfect to us~

When they suggested later on that we do an MRI to rule out any problems that could be causing his slight decline and we were not to alarmed - at this point Justin had actually had to go back to work a few days a week and I was at the Ronald McDonald house with Linda where we were getting into a groove after a few days of Justin being back home in Pueblo West, and things were looking up even though we were having a few hiccups with Wyatt's progress. The MRI was scheduled and the night they did it Linda, Ron (Justin's biological dad), myself were waiting in Wyatt's room while they took him and brought him back. I remember the smile the nurses and respiratory therapist had when they brought Wyatt back and I felt even more confidant that everything was okay with the MRI.

The next morning was a Thursday and Linda and I had went to Target so I could get Wyatt a night time classical music C.D. to listen to for bedtime... we wanted to start a routine for him that we could use at home when we were ready to go.... Linda had some other things she had to do that day so she dropped me off at the hospital and I was in such a positive mood that morning and was getting ready to have Justin come back to be with us the next day after him gone all week.

I remember stopping at the milk drop station in the NICU... I checked in my pumped milk and turned the corner to walk the long hall down to Wyatt's room. It was a straight shot and I could see the door to his room from the corner you had to come around from the Milk Drop Station. I saw probably 10-15 nurses and doctors outside his room and I automatically focused in on Wyatt's Dr. They all looked like they were in a deep conversation but I still was not putting 2 and 2 together that something was wrong I just figured it was a meeting of the minds (what we liked to call it and they were finishing up as I got closer). As I approached and was within ears distance of all of them they quietly looked over at me and Wyatt's main doctor Dr. D came up to me and asked me if Justin was back from work yet.. I told her no he would be tomorrow, she  then asked me if Linda or any of my family was with me and I told her no again.. they all looked at each other and the air actually felt like it was sucked out of me and she then said lets go in Wyatt's room and in followed behind us the social worker and 3 other doctors I did not know and they filed in Wyatt's room and quietly shut the door behind them. I could feel my legs get the jello feeling and my face began to get really hot and the air felt like I could not get enough inside of me with each of my breaths.

Dr. D was starting to say "Well Stephanie.." and then here eyes swelled up with water and they became very red and no one would look me in the eye at first. I said then "What's going on.. is everything okay?" Not really wanting to hear the true answer ... and then Dr.D started again
"Well Steph... things are not good at all actually they are worse than we expected." Her voice was shivering and small and I knew what she was wanting to get out was going to be so hard for me to hear and she wanted everything to be different for us this minute. She started to say "The MRI of his brain is devastating and is completely unexpected what we found this morning on his results. I am sooo sorry and if you want to wait for Justin to go over his scans and what this means we can." I took a deep deep breathe and tried to process what she was trying to tell me and I remember looking over at my sweet boy I could only see the top of his head from where we were and he was sleeping so peacefully and I was in pure utter shock that something like this could be wrong with this perfect boy who was right here in front of me... his perfect little head that I could see was so broken inside and none of us could fix it....
I told her to move forward with me there so that I could be prepared for my call to Justin after they left the room. She and the other doctors explained that Wyatt had a complete devastating brain injury that was caused by a severe and massive brain hemorrhage that happened in the last week (which explained his decline in the last few days) and there was no way to know, prevent or fix it. It was over 75% of his brain as well as the the parts that did not have blood showing were damaged by the lack of oxygen at birth. They all explained to me that he had the worse possible scenario for brain injuries and there was no way to recover from where he was at. He would never progress past the mentality of an infant best case and most likely not make it much past his first years of life as most commonly with this degree of injury a common cold becomes so severe that most children who do make it home with this injury spend months back and forth in and out of the ICU with severe issues until they succumb to one of their ailments. 
They also walked me through the visual of the the MRI results. As I look back on that day now I still feel that air leaving me as it did then and the nauseating feeling that overcame me. I have never felt so confused and unprepared for something so horrific and unexpected. My head still gets dizzy just like it did in those moments.
They all kept grabbing my hands and stopping with the facts of what was and just holding me as I sobbed and remembering now I recall just saying over and over as they asked me if I was okay .. i repeated over and over "I just am not sure what to say ... what should I say?"and they all kept saying "Nothing... no one expects you to say anything." but I felt that I needed to respond but no real thoughts were entering or leaving me I was so broken and hurting just as my son was and no one or anything could fix us.

I called Justin and fell apart and he called his mom and started his way back to us right away. I remember in the midst of this Wyatt woke up and started to cry but I was so weak I could not physically move or get to him to comfort him... they nurse came in until Linda could get there... Right when she got there she held me and we sobbed together until Justin got there. Once he got there we held each other and then pulled it together for a moment to pray over our son and there and then we put everything in the lords hands to guide us to make the right choices for our son and us. Dr. D came back in and went over everything again with us and in the meantime my aunt and uncle came to be with us as well as Ron and my dad was on his way back from Oklahoma.

The next day came and a conference (what no one wants to have at Children's- it most likely is called for because something is really bad and life changing decisions are going to be discussed and made in them) with Wyatt's neurological team and Dr.D along with some other staff were all at. The night before Justin and I had discussed all different scenarios and which way we would handle each one in preparing for the meeting but really nothing prepares you for something like this. We had Justin's mom Linda and his dad Ron as well as my dad in the meeting with us as well. It was a somber entrance for each of us and there were tissue boxes pretty much in front of each seat around the large conference table. We all took our seats and discussed everything. The meeting lasted over 2 hours and at the end we were faced with the complete picture of our Wyatt ... it was devastating and unthinkable.

We were being faced with the reality that our boy was not going to overcome this and we had to choose one way or another and either one resulted the same. As we walked out my legs buckled and they almost felt as though they were not mine... Justin and my dad caught me and I started to scream out how this was not happening and things from there became a bit blurry and the next thing I knew was Justin and I were sitting in the chapel praying. From there we went and meet with the on call pastor looking for comfort and understanding. He did gave us that and much more.

After many calls and second, third and forth opinions that all resulted to the same conclusion for our babies future we were faced with the choice to sustain him until his ailments would finally overcome him or take him off all support now before things got worse and more painful for our sweet baby. We had to choose the least selfish way for us and that was to let him go now in the least amount of pain and free from other terrible inevitable problems that would come as he grew older.

We had him baptised on Saturday morning and shortly after they took him off support and in the days to follow we spent the most precious of time with him and he was able to meet some of his great grandparents and many other family that loved him ... We were able to hold him free from all the tubes cords and other things that caused so much distraction before , we took him outside, bathed him, sang to him, and just purely loved him and savored all the time we had with him.

The time came to say goodbye and he was in his daddy's arms where we prayed over him letting him know it was okay to go home and give his little fighter of a spirit a rest we knew he was strong and the time had come that we needed to be strong for him.  On Friday May 4, 2012 at 7:14 pm He went from his daddy's arms to the arms of Jesus, his Grandma Mary (my mom) and his Grandpa Fred (Justin's grandpa) and many other loving arms.

The reason why I titled this post home is because of the meaning of home~ the definition reads:

home  /noun/ 

meaning:    1.The place where one lives permanently, esp. as a member of a family
                   2. Of or relating to the place where one lives

I can and do talk to him all the time I send him my love and kisses every night... I still yearn for him to be here in our  home where he was meant to be but I know that we will all be someday together in our eternal home where our Wyatt and our some of our other loved ones are now. For this moment, though I take solace and comfort in know that our sweet baby Wyatt is at home.

AWAKENING - June 12, 2012

Awakening - pronounced: a-wak-en-ing
Meaning:  1. An act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something.
                 2. Coming into existence or awareness.

This is what I had a pure eyeopening AWAKENING... The last few days were what I call grueling... 

We went to the doctors to get blood testing and plans made for the future with my new normal of blood disorders and such (main problem with what went wrong with Wyatt) and what that means moving forward. Then from there we went to our first monthly meeting for parents in the same boat we are in- loss of a child club- A club we would not ever want to be part of or even dream people go to.. but they do and now us too. Then from there lots of questions and feelings started to brew on this wayward road called grief. 

I realized that I have been blogging about the death of our child and not the healing that comes with it. I am the kind of person that looks at each season of my life good or bad and tries to find the joy and things I can be grateful for to bring from one journey to the next. With Wyatt I was getting caught up in the sadness of his journey and the fact that he is gone and not the healing that needs to happen because he is gone. It is a double edged sword... I live one minute, right now, thinking my Wyatt is gone and he is never coming back and my heart is ripped from me again... but I also, in the next minute, remember he lived and every life should be celebrated and I need to start the celebration of my son not just allow myself to live in the sadness of his absence. It is a thin line from one to the other and I know that I will flip flop back and forth between the two feelings but I have been AWAKENED and know for me I must start to heal and live and tell the tale of celebration and  not just the unbearable sadness that comes with this journey. 

The meaning of Awakening above has two parts to it as so much to our story does as well. 

The first meaning: The act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something. This happened to me on Thursday night. We were back at my Aunt and Uncle's house for my doctors appointment the next morning... We were talking about my blog and how it was going and if it was helping with my healing... I thought about it before I answered and said " I guess it is I really had not thought about it being a healing source. I am blogging more for the fact that I want everyone to get to know Wyatt and what he meant to us since so many people mean so much to us it is only right to let them get to know this part of us that is such a huge part to who we are." My aunt agreed and somehow Justin was asked what he thought of my blog. I was certain that he would answer with something like I agree with her or I really like the blog.. but I was taken really off guard with his reply. He said " I can't read it anymore... It makes me so sad and I was there with Steph and know what happened I don't have to keep reliving it with reading it." I looked at him so shocked and confused. I told him, Hey now you told me that it was a good idea to right this and have been encouraging me with every post to keep on chugging with the whole blog thing. He said I know but that does  not mean I have to read it and live it with you that's you and this is me. We went back and forth until we came to an understanding that was okay he felt this way and I felt my way. I became so aware in that moment that it is okay to grieve and do things differently - there is no wrong or right. I also became suddenly aware that my posts are hard and raw and where was me in them? Where was the me that always,even when my mom passed away, could look at it and look for the good and not focus on the tragedy of the bad. I re-read my posts from the last few weeks and out of 5 posts only 1 post did I talk about the greatness of my son and the gift that  he has given me today through his life- I spoke mostly of  what happened to him like the other posts. I realized I have to stop the details of the tragedy because that is not the important part but what is important here is that Wyatt lived and his legacy is just this HE LIVED and was and that in itself is something that I am forever grateful for. Lots of good came from his life however brief that I need to focus on that from here on out.

The second meaning of AWAKENING is coming into existence of awareness. I can honestly say that this happened last night. 

We went to our first meeting with a national group that the hospital told me about. It is made up of people who have lost their child or children at any age at any time from anything. The members making up the Pueblo chapter are very nice and welcoming folks. The meeting started just like any other we were in a circle so everyone could focus on who was sharing when it was their time to share. Since we were new to the group everyone thought it would be a good thing to share their personal stories of loss so we would know who they were and their story as well as feel that we were not alone in our journey. The first shared of their tragic horrible loss and the events that lead up to the loss and the details of the loss itself. By the time it got to Justin and I , I was numb and physically feeling ill. I thought I was going to loose my marbles right there so Justin took the stage and told a brief and very vague encounter of our journey and what our loss was and is about. Then there were 3 more people to share after we had and then it was time for open discussion. I realized that not one person in that group (which most had losses that were 5 or more years out) shared how they were healing or what good might have come from their tragic event in losing their child. I am not a judgmental person in any way shape or form but I found myself judging secretly these people who I was surrounded by. They were so caught up in the grief and the sadness and just getting by without the child they lost that they forgot that the world is still a good place if you let it be and there so much beauty and peace that can touch us if we welcome it in. I wanted to yell "STOP just wait a minute" Smile and be grateful because you had time with your child, You know love and isn't that enough? Then I remembered that I want to choose this path for me and others might not or not be able to with where they are with there loss and grief and you know what - that is OK. 

After we got home from the meeting I stayed up until 2:30 AM trying to figure out which way I want to go with my grief  1. talk about it all the time or 2. live to heal and celebrate that I was given a gift that will forever be my gift and just for that I can smile and know I am going to be okay and it's going to be hard but again I will be OK. Knowing that I still have been able to have this beautiful, precious, once in a lifetime gift and no one can take that away from me at the end of the day. Years from now I will always be able to tell my story but years from now, in that meeting, I want to also tell the beauty and hope that came from our journey with Wyatt as well as the journey with him. 

So what's next for me --


HEALING  pronounced: he-al-ing
meaning: -growing sound; getting well; mending.

 I have to remember that this is something that has changed both myself and Justin and those that walked this journey with me and for that reason it is raw for each of us talking, writing and just remembering our walk with Wyatt. There is nothing easy about it -but it happened and now what??? HEALING- we must heal and walk the new lives each of us have and balance the joy of having him around for the little time we did and the hope and learning that comes with the tragedy.


I am going to start to write down things that make me grateful each time they pop in my head and things I am learning from my loss. Sometimes I might look at the notebook I set aside for this and have nothing wrote down at the end of each day or other times I might fill more than one page and either way it is OK. I have to start to take the pressure of the acceptance of my sons death and focus on the celebration of his life.


I planned right after the meeting with my aunt and some other family members to try to put together a group that we can still share our feelings and sadness, because it will always be there, but joy has to creep back into our lives and a group that helps with that is what I think would help in a time like this. I want to honor my sons memory and his legacy has to go on... he was strong and brave and fought for this very thing I still have LIFE...and I will not let his be in vain so I have to try to help others heal as well as let them help me heal and together we all can heal and bring that joy of just living back into our lives.
So off my soap box and back to the plan of a Healing group that I hope can and will help not only me but others who have this badge of loss to wear cope and deal. I want to sponsor a member each month and their loved one who is gone by giving back in their honor and memory. For starters my Wyatt, the first month would be his month to honor and remember him. The ordeal we went through was grueling and hard and if it were not for the staff at the hospital we would have not been able to get through the long days there. They would talk to us and get us anything they thought would help during this time (most reading materials of grief and loss of a child). But also when Wyatt passed they put together a beautiful memory for us of a plaster cast of his hands and feel as well as when he was still with us having Now I Lay me Down to Sleep, a photography non profit that comes in and takes photos for families to have everlasting memories of their loved ones, come in and take our first and last family photos that we cherish and will always be so grateful for them. The hospital put all of these things together for us not because they had to but because they wanted to out of pure caring love.
Being there with Wyatt , I feel like us (the group i hope to have) putting together a memory box for each family to be given in the NICU when they are facing the same outcome as we were might offer comfort  hope in a time you feel so alone. I remember asking over and over is there anyone we can talk to that went through this to make this a little easier as we walk this road... that was the only thing that was so hard thinking we were alone in this even though I knew we were not I wanted to know another person that had to do the things we were being faced with and know that they are okay and we would be too. But with all the hospital could offer this was something they could not. I want to share our Wyatt with these people and let them feel that hope and healing will come and they are not alone. By doing the memory boxes and later on giving the families who have been touched by loss, a place to come to when they are ready would be the ultimate celebration and tribute to the life of my Wyatt and all of us who have lost.


Lets share our loss but also rebuild our love, zest and hope for the new life we must face. Again off track and back on with the Group of loss that we want to start... Each month we would honor another loved one and do something to give back and carry on the legacy of the loved one while celebrating who they were and what they meant to us. Like making memory boxes, fleece blankets/snack boxes for cancer patients, mini memory gardens for people who are struggling and feeling alone, military care packages for those who are gone and fighting for us and so much more. We must and will always grieve but more importantly we will heal and find hope if we choose to walk that road.


My posts are going to look a bit different from now on ...still I will be carefully walking the rocky road of grief and there will be ups and downs that I will share and reflect on with the tragedy of losing Wyatt but also savor the taste of Healing and hope that through this you will all still want walk this journey with me. Wyatt was my precious gift and I want to give this gift to each of you--- god knows there's lots to go around :) So lets all hope and heal together and remember the bad but live the good ! Until next time........

Apart- May 7-8, 2012

It's funny thinking back I think of the quote "Absence makes the heart grow founder." and now I know what that means first hand. Then and now more than ever this quote means so much.


After having Wyatt I had to stay in the hospital while Justin was down at Children's with Wyatt. I was aching for my baby and my husband so much as they were for me to. This was not supposed to be this way... we were supposed to be admiring this miracle together and looking forward to the future with him... instead we were apart and fearing what our future might hold. Things were scary and unknown and I was out of touch with things around me. People always say it fells like a dream.. a foggy dream... I now know what they mean and what that feels like. The days that I was in the hospital were so foggy and dream like.. I was so unaware of things from hour to hour I only wanted to get out. This was a place that such happy things were happening all around me... new families being formed and babies crying for the first time and being comforted by their parents... mothers nursing their new babies daddies running back and forth getting ice water and snacks for their wives, grandmas and grandpas bursting with pride for their kids and this was all around me 24 hours a day. It at times felt so unbearable but I had my family with me to get me through my time there and I knew my faith and strength. 


I focused on the one thing I knew my baby would need as soon as I could get to him and that was milk... the nourishment I could give him at least I hoped I was still going to be able to. The whole time I was pregnant I looked forward to breastfeeding my Wyatt. I could not wait to have that time and closeness with him. I made sure as soon as the morning came on Saturday I would be able to meet with a breastfeeding coach and get my milk to come in so that once I got down there I would be ready to feed Wyatt when he was ready.. not knowing when or if that was going to happen I focused on it because I felt that I was doing my part to support our baby since I could not be with him. I learned everything I could about breastfeeding pumped every 3 hours and was doing everything the coach told me to do so that I would get that milk going and ready for my sweet Wyatt. Within the couple days I was in the hospital my milk came in and I was so excited to bring it with me when I was released and know that once I got down there it would be on hand for Wyatt when he was ready for it. It might have not been the way I had in mind that this special time between him and I was going to go, but at least I was able to get a little storage going so that he did not miss out on it completely I thought.


Saturday the 7th was a very long day. Nurses coming in and out of my room pressing on my tummy to get my uterus contracting and back down to normal afterbirth. Hurt like you know what.. but it seemed to mask some of the mental pain I was feeling. That morning one nurse came in and told me it was time to get up and walk around so that I could work on getting out of there... I was all for it until I actually had to do. It really was uncomfortable and I was afraid I was pulling my stitches as I got up in the bed and pulled myself over the side of it to get on my feet... I kept my eye on the prize that as soon as I did all they asked I would be released and get down to Children's ( I was probably an ideal patient because I was so careful not to have my time there delayed in any way shape or form). The morning went good until that afternoon when one of my nurses came in and told me that she spoke with the doctor who delivered me and he told here that my blood pressure was high and they were going to keep me through Sunday and would re evaluate for maybe releasing me on Monday. I was so disappointed and cried the rest of the day. The good thing was my dad and my step mom had got in town earlier that day from Oklahoma and were there with me as well as my cousins (who are like my sisters). They all took turns spending the night with me each night so that I would not be alone and they kept things light trying to keep me upbeat. I was grateful to have all my family there and tried to stay positive. I remember eating lots of fruit and grilled cheese sandwiches and kept thinking I am not pregnant anymore why am I eating like I still am... but it was so easy when all you had to do was say you were hungry and wallah my cousins would have someone bring it to me shortly after... sort of miss that!


Night came on Saturday and it was a really long day so I was ready to try and get some sleep before Sunday and hopefully I could still maybe be released so that I could spend Easter with Justin and Wyatt. I called Justin for the 50th time that day and was telling him my plans to go to bed but he sounded different this time. I asked him why he was sounding a bit different and he told me things were looking not so good.... There was a significant problem with Wyatt's kidneys and he was not sure if it could be fixed... he was not 100% sure what was wrong he just knew it was bad... looking back now I think he was shielding me by not telling me everything since there was nothing I could do and I would not be able to get out with my blood pressure remaining high. I told him that I would pray and call him back. Just as I hung up the phone Wyatt's doctor called me on the other line checking in as she had promised to do in case I had any questions of my own for her. I explained to her that I had just got off the phone with Justin and he had told me that there were issues with Wyatt's kidneys... she concurred and told me that Wyatt was in kidney failure at that moment and they were trying everything they could to get them working... I was in complete shock. I asked her what this meant and she told me that it meant that without the kidneys functioning nothing else in Wyatt was going to get better. I could not believe the words she was saying I then asked her would Wyatt's life was in danger and she flat out with no holding back told me yes and that things were very bad and we would need him to make a big turn around and soon to get him to a state of stable. I think I dropped the phone and broke down. I could not hold it together and called Justin back and told him what she said. He knew what she told me and tried to comfort me the best he could through the phone. I was in a state of complete shock and dismay. I knew that things were grim and all I could do was pray. I prayed for a miracle and for god to walk with Wyatt and Justin while I was away from them. That he would hold Wyatt in his hands and bring him comfort and I know that God was the God of all things and can heal all things and I prayed that he would heal my little Wyatt. My cousin suggested I take a warm shower to help calm me and relax me so that  my BP would not get worse. I got into the shower and as the nurse was helping me get my dressing off of my c-section incision my family was in my room praying for out little Wyatt and the gift of a miracle. Just then      almost 2 hours from when I had talked to Wyatt's doctor I heard a loud scream and lots of crying and yelling from my room... my cousin Brittney ran into the bathroom where I was showering and was crying and yelling... I tried to make out what she was saying and who she was on my phone with.. I was frozen and thought this is it Wyatt is gone... she then slowed down and said "Wyatt peed.. he peed.... he is peeing..." I feel back on the chair they put in the shower and started to sob.... I could not believe it God answered out prayer and my little Wyatt was peeing and as long as he did this then that meant his little kidneys were stating to work and do what they were supposed to... things were going to get better God was answering our prayers. I gave him glory and thanks for this  miracle we had witnessed tonight. 


Justin was on the phone and I could hear the tears welling up inside of him a weight was lifted and it was the first of many hurdles that we had crossed. We were overjoyed and so optimistic since this was so dire a few hours prior but now with this huge change things would fall into place and get better. We gave thanks to our Father together and said goodnight.. I told him to give lots and lots of kisses to my little monkey Wyatt and tell him that I loved him and was so proud of my little brave strong boy. He said I am kissing him now and will let you know if anything changes. I went to sleep with a lighter heart that night.

Here is Wyatt with his Easter  Lamb

The next day was Easter and that morning when I called Justin to check in Linda answered and said that Justin was getting Wyatt a special present from mommy and daddy for Easter (it ended up being the sweetest little angel lamb that played "You are my Sunshine" Wyatt loved it) and she would have him call me. Two hours went by until I heard from Justin but so I called back again and Linda answered again... she said things were going sooo good that Wyatt had done so well overnight and in the morning since peeing last night that they were getting ready to hand him over to Justin to hold him for the first time.. she was starting to cry and I told her to take lots and lots of pictures for me.... It was amazing I remember thinking. How strong and what a little fighter my son is he turned what seemed the end the night before to getting to be held by his daddy the
 next day... simply amazing! Within 20 minutes Justin was calling me and said it was indescribable holding his son for the first time... really it was the first time he had held in any baby - no joke. He kept saying over and over it was awesome to hold his little man and he didn't want to let go, but with Wyatt still being so sick, he only was able to hold him for less than 10 minutes... 10 of the sweetest minutes... because Wyatt's blood pressure fell a bit. He said it was the best Easter he had ever had and I agreed -- how amazing and the lord was doing all this on such a special day with so much meaning.

Justin's first time holding Wyatt

I was in better spirits all day and later that evening was joined by all my close family and a dear friend for a Easter visit. I remember my Aunt Toni brought me an Easter egg scuba diver that my little cousin Cameron had made for Wyatt. The week before Cameron and I looked up Easter egg decorating ideas and we had found a site that showed you how to make scuba divers out of  eggs.. We were going to make them on Friday after my appointment but we all know that did not go as planned, so Cameron made them for all of us at the hospital to make Easter a little bit brighter. They were so cute and made me feel a little more normal since things were so abnormal. 

Scuba Diver Eggs

That night my doctor, who was leaving for Disneyland with his family the next day, called and told me that he was going to start me on a blood pressure medicine and would be in tomorrow (Monday) morning at around 6-7 am to release me. I was sooo excited and looking forward for the morning to come... My dad and step mom stayed with me that night so as soon as I was released we could leave right away and get on the road to get to my Wyatt. I did not sleep much that night and as morning came I was ready showered, hair done things packed and waiting for the doctor to come and release me. Things were back on track and I would be with my Wyatt and Justin sooner than later. 

Reflecting- June 4, 2012

As I reflect over the last month without our little Wyatt I am reminded of the joy he brought to Justin and me. He made our lives complete if only for the 28 days he was here with us. He made us better people and stronger together. He brought us happiness beyond measure. He made us grow even closer to our father in heaven. 


I reflect about the good things that came from our little man... he was so precious and beautiful. He loved to have his little legs and hands rubbed. We loved doing this for him... he would completely relax and kick his little legs straight out and his hands would wave up in the air and once we started to rub them for him they would relax and open up completely.They had a thing at the hospital called Freddie the Frog that Wyatt loved... it was a bean bag thing that propped him up on his tummy so that he could  sleep like that... he loved it when we put him on it. He loved having his head stroked... his hair was always so slicked to his head because everyone that came to see him could not resist his full head of beautiful hair and stroking it on his perfect little head. He loved to be sung to... if he was crying it would put him right to sleep. He loved to hear his daddy, when Justin would come into the room the monitors would show Wyatt's heart rate go up and he would move his little head back and forth and try to focus on where Justin was in the room when he was talking to Wyatt. He loved to be held and snuggled by all of us...he would go right to sleep and as soon as we put him down he would make a sad little face and of coarse we would pick him right back up and take turns until he feel asleep again. He loved skin to skin with me and I did with him as well... he would get so comfy that sometimes he would even drool a little and I savored every minute of it. He loved the time we got to take him outside.. He breathed deep to take in the fresh air and did his "bunny nose" the whole time we were outside. He loved bath time so much that every time we gave him one within 2 minutes in it he would pee and when we took him out he would cry so loud ( he never cried much only when we put him down after holding him and when we took him out of the bath). He loved his little stuffed animal buddies that family brought him, especially a little angel lamb that Justin bought him for Easter that played "You are my Sunshine" when you pressed it's wings and a Precious moment baby  boy, that my Aunt Jody and Uncle Bob gave him. that would pray for him when you pressed it's little hands, Wyatt would just stare at it. He loved all his grandparents who would talk to him and love on him when they came to visit him... He will always be LOVED.

There is so much more that I remember that were beautiful moments with my little monkey that I will cherish and hold close and today has been a good day because I have these memories to reflect on and hold in my heart. I am so grateful for every minute we had with him and all the things we were able to experience. It truly was a blessing and today I am reminded of how lucky I am to have had him choose me to be his mom and Justin to be his dad.