The day started out just like any other day. The alarm went off so that we would not be late to my Doctors appointment and we had to do breakfast before. So with no time to wait I got up and told Justin he better get up because I wanted to make sure that we could go to I HOP before (the cravings got the best of me the last month and I was taking advantage of eating without regard). He laughed because I was so serious about getting the time to eat at I HOP and how much it meant to me. I also wanted to make sure we got to the doctors with plenty of time for me to walk the stairs up to the office. I was hoping this would make it so that my Doctor would say "You are dilated just enough and we are going to have this baby today." I had looked up online the day before that if you walk, take the stairs and a few other things, it would help with moving the baby down and bringing on labor. I was ready to meet this little guy and see my feet once again so I was willing to try anything. The night before my appointment I walked up and down my aunt and uncle's stairs 15 times and did some things I look back at and think .. What the heck?... like bouncing on an exercise ball all over the front room with everyone watching as well as getting down on all fours and swaying back and forth in hopes that Wyatt would make his way down and be ready for my appointment the next day. I also earlier that day had just drive me around on every bumpy dirt road we could find since this was a comment that my doctor had made the week before "I wouldn't go driving on any dirt roads or anything." I took this as a heads up that it would get things going faster than they were even though Justin kept telling me he was pretty sure my doctor was kidding around with me. I did it anyway.
While leaving the house I made sure we had the camera and Wyatt's bags as well as my suitcase and Justin's bag since there was that little chance that what I was hoping would come true... we would be having a baby today. I wanted to make sure that we had everything just in case Justin made sure even though he kept reassuring me that we would not be having a baby today but just in case we were more than prepared with everything packed in the car. We got to I HOP and I was raring to go... I ordered the largest breakfast I had ever had. Justin watched me in amazement as I binged on all the food I ordered and as I finished I said "You know that this might be the last meal I can eat like this so I wanted to make the most of it." I was sure that we were going to have this baby with all the exercise and tips I had followed to move things along a bit faster...even though everyone said it really did not matter when the baby is ready the baby will come- you can't make it happen. I was having braxton hicks more and more and on Wednesday night I had them so much I thought that I thought we might have to call Justin to come up a day earlier because these were strong and getting more consistent than they had been before. I also was having a burning with each one that would last a few seconds then completely subside. Just as I was getting to the point of thinking we should go to the hospital and get Justin to come to the hospital the contractions completely stopped. I thought if they start again then I will go to the hospital and call Justin. Thursday was uneventful and Wyatt was back on the move with moving his bottom from one side to the other.
On this morning I had not yet felt Wyatt kick or move but thought with the big breakfast and coke I drank (the doctor had told me a few weeks ago to drink a sugary drink to wake baby up when he was not moving as much and it worked the last few weeks so I was not worried when he was not moving that morning). As we waited for Wyatt to get up and move around we decided since we had so much time before my appointment to stop and walk around American Furniture Warehouse since I needed to walk (remember I was going to get this baby down before my appointment in hopes of having him today.) We walked around and were looking at things when another fellow pregnant lady came up to me and was talking to me about how far along she was and was so excited for us because she thought we were having twins... when I explained to her we were not having twins I was just huge- due to my ridiculous amount of swelling and of course my insatiable appetite. She laughed - the kind when you just dug yourself a huge hole and want out but are not sure how to that kind of laugh- she then said good luck and we were on our way to the doctor.
We got to his office and they called me back. He checked me out and said this baby is not coming today and my hopes sank and said on top of that Wyatt was going to be completely fine where he was at and the odds of him coming before April 17, his scheduled birthday, would be really slim. I was let down and thought all right I can do this another few weeks I was growing very impatient but it was what it was we were going to have to wait. At the very end of my appointment my doctor asked if everything was the same- You feel good and baby is still moving? I mentioned my little exercises and contractions on Wednesday and that as of then Wyatt had not moved but we had just ate and I drank a coke. He said just to be safe lets get you over to NST (non stress test monitoring for fetal well being by monitoring the babies heart beat with contractions). I had been on it a few weeks before for 6 hours when Wyatt decided to not move much that day either and we checked him out for 6 hours as well as had a full biophysical profile, which is just a fancy ultrasound that scores the baby on different levels with their heart, blood flow, brain, kidneys etc. The highest score you can get is an 8 and Wyatt scored an 8 and we were sent home after he started to move around like crazy and my contractions were back to normal.
While on NST they had a hard time finding Wyatt's heart beat that day but said it was probably the way he was situated in me. They got it finally and left the room.. Just and I sat there and then about 5 minutes later the nurse came back in and asked if Wyatt had moved around yet... I told her no and she took this little thing that they put on your tummy push a button and it makes a loud noise as it vibrates your belly. She did it 3 times and Wyatt still did not respond to it.. she then stood there for another 5 minutes watching the monitor and said things look a little off right now and she said she wanted to show the doctor the print out from the monitor.. She said I am sure everything is fine but it would be best to let the doctor see the read out. I was getting a bit concerned at this point but with Justin there he calmed me and reassured me it's okay. Then all the sudden as quick as she left the room the doctor came back in and said he did not like the way this looked and he wanted to send me to the hospital like last time for better monitoring and possibly a delivery and if so what hospital did we want to deliver at? We looked at each and thought we really liked MCR better and that was where we were wanting to go... I then started to ask questions still not knowing how serious things were and right then my doctor interrupted me and said you need to go now get up and go now... this was so unlike his normally happy laid back attitude. I then knew things were serious and something was going on. We got in the car and went straight from Fort Collins to MCR in Loveland and went straight up to labor and delivery as directed.
When we got up to the desk they knew who we were and said we were waiting for you and rushed me over to a small monitoring room where they hooked me up immediately to another NST monitor and within 10 minutes the phone in the room was ringing and one of the nurses was handing it over to me. I said hello and on the other end was my doctor in Fort Collins telling me that he was looking at the monitor on his screen up there that I was hooked up to down here and we needed to get this baby out now because things looked worse than when I was on NST in Fort Collins. He said that he had all ready called the doctor on call and he was on his way to deliver me. Just then the doctor walked in our little room and introduced himself and I told my doctor on the phone he was there and I was going to hang up. The doctor on call happened to be a doctor I saw one time when mine was out of the office and I felt comfortable with him... I was a bit more comfortable with the fact this was the guy who was going to cut me open.
Things started to move really quick and everyone kept saying we need to keep moving so we can get this baby out. I started to shake the kind of shakes that go down deep inside of you and go from the very ends of your toes to the very top of you head. I didn't know what to say other than everything's going to be okay and the doctor kept saying we will see once we get this baby out. That sounded so fifty fifty to me and I wanted a concrete yes or no but no one was going to give that to me. I told just as they were hurrying up getting an IV in to get the camera and start calling people to let them know Wyatt was coming now. He looked at me blankly and the nurse went over to him looked him straight in the eye and told him to go now and get the camera if he wanted pictures of Wyatt's birth because there would not be anytime but now to go and get it. He kissed me said I he would be right back and leaned in to hug me.. I did not want to let go I was so scared and he was the only thing keeping me in the reality of the moment.
I was crying hysterically at this point and as they were getting me ready for surgery I started to pray... I prayed that God would be with me and my Wyatt, that he would hold us as we went through the next steps of this journey, that he would give Justin and I strength for whatever the next hour would hold and he would comfort us with a calmness and peace through Wyatt's birth. I said this these words over and over and as the started to roll me out of the room Justin had got back from the car and was on the phone with family telling them he had to go and Wyatt was coming now. They handed him his white jumpsuit to put on and as they were rolling me he was saying how much he loved me and we were going to have our beautiful baby today ... right now and everything we were getting ready for was coming today. He gave me more kisses and hugs and said he would be in with me as soon as they let him and then the doors that were open closed and he was on one side and I was on the other.
The OR room was cold but as I remember strange because it had a window in and I could see the mall and Best Buy sign from it. I kept thinking who is going to be looking out a window when they are getting operated on and I hope none of the staff in the room will have the urge to just look out the window when they were operating on someone.. it took my mind off the situation for minute until I they said to get over to the other table so I could get my spinal block. The anesthesiologist was amazing I will forever be grateful for his bedside manor and the way he handled my unbearable fear and my repeating how scared I was and I thought I was going to pass out (I think this was all I said over and over for 20 minutes or so)... he calmed me in a way that I will never forget. As they were all preparing for the spinal he came over to me grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes with his face right in front of mine. He told me that nothing was going to happen to me that I would be just fine and he was looking out for me. He then proceeded to tell me that I might aspirate because there was no time for my meal (which was huge) to digest and we had to get the baby out now so if this happened he would quickly put me to sleep and I would be int-abated and then wake up to a beautiful baby waiting for me- his voice was calming and promising and I knew I was going to be okay. He then told me for now as long as I could move my tongue back and forth in my mouth and could tap my thump to the tips of each finger I was breathing just fine and doing perfect. I did that the whole time to make sure I was still breathing since I was freaking out and it was the only thing keeping me sane right then.
Justin came in the room and I was all numbed up and they started to cut. Justin sat next to me and rubbed my hand to calm me and kept saying over and over " I love you and our little guy is almost here.. everything is going to be Okay." They kept saying almost there and finally they said you will feel a huge pressure right now and they were not kidding.. it felt like my stomach was coming up out of my mouth. Then it stopped and the doctor said "Your son is out." I started to cry and Justin stood up to go over to him but the nurse by me quickly stopped him and said "Right now just sit with your wife and they will give us the go ahead when it is okay to go over there." I was in such a haze that I remember saying I am sure they do this to everyone at first and then when I did not hear Wyatt cry I said over and over is everything okay? No one would answer and then I started to get really worried--- Why is my baby not crying and then out of no where I heard a muffled noise and they let Justin go over there. Just as quickly as they let me over they were taking Wyatt out of the room. 
The nurse stopped by me with Wyatt and let me see him. I was without words or thoughts or anything in that first second and then I felt a warmness of pride and joy come over me ( I think this is what they call the moment we get that maternal instinct and officially become a parent- I felt it happen and it was like nothing I have ever felt before) He was looking at me as if to say "See mom I'm here and I love you- It's okay." He was beautiful and more than I could have imagined. He looked like Justin and had my chin. He had a full head of light brown/blonde hair that was going everywhere.. he was perfect! He was the two of us and he was all ours. They took him out and they finished sewing me up. Justin was told to stay with me as they assessed Wyatt.
We were took over to another room and as I was being monitored right after surgery. The doctor who delivered me came in and said " You boy is very ill and right now he is with the very best neonatologist we have in the hospital and as soon as we know what we are looking here we will let you know." I asked what happened since there was no signs or problems with Wyatt up until that morning... He told us that from what he could tell was it had something to do with my placenta since it looked very abnormal and Wyatt was small for a full term baby and there was a small abrupt ion with my placenta. My heart was sinking but for some reason nothing they were saying was registering I thought still everything was going to be okay I would be able to see and hold my son in a few hours when all this was worked out and they got some oxygen on him. I could not hear what they saying and my imagination was taking over in this dream I was in... I was sure of it. I told Justin we needed to pray and we said a prayer as we waited on word how our son was doing. We prayed that the lord was with Wyatt and giving him strength and we would all be together soon.
The nurse came in and said my Aunt Toni and cousin was here and asked if Justin wanted to go and see Wyatt. My Aunt and cousin came in as Justin went to be with Wyatt.
I was transferred over to my room and on the way over to my room the nurses let me push the button that plays a lullaby through the hospital that lets everyone know a baby was born. I pushed it with great pride for our son. Justin came back in with me and my family his eyes were red and his face was pale. I knew something was really wrong. In this moment when things were supposed to be soooo happy things were so wrong. He said that Wyatt was really bad and he might not make it... I would not accept this and could not understand why this was happening and how sick he was. He said that he was having problems with his heart, breathing, and kidneys and they gave him a breathing tube and he has lots of IVs going as well as other tubes he was not sure about. I was petrified and could not grasp this reality.
I zoned out and wept with more sorrow than I knew I had in me. This little life that was in me was here now and he might be gone before I had even held him. This could not be. I again began to pray silently as my Aunt comforted Justin and I.... I asked the lord to carry us and whatever were to happen that he would be with us. I put everything at the lords feet as the bible says to do. I told the lord that I could not understand this and I needed him to do his will whatever that might be that he would walk Justin and I through the journey with strength and understanding. I knew that by putting it at his feet and asking for him to take over then that it would be his will whatever it might be and he was going to walk with Justin and me. My faith was all I had at the time to feel comfort that I would endure. Justin held me and we waited for the word on what was going to happen next.
About 45 minutes later a pediatric nurse came in and said that they were still working on stabilizing Wyatt for transfer to Poudre Hospital or Children's Hospital depending on how Wyatt was doing by the end of the hour. I continued to pray and another half hour went by when the nurse came back in to say that they were going to take him to Children's Hospital in Denver to the NICU there and they would transport as soon as he was stable enough to. I asked to see him before they took him and they said they would let me. Three hours went by before they were ready to take Wyatt by that time it was 9:30 at night and I was losing my battle with patience I wanted to know what was happening and what was going to happen with my baby. They said they were going to take him to Children's because he was to sick to go to Poudre in Fort Collins. I knew this was not good they said earlier when I was pregnant and we did the walk through of the hospital that if something were to happen that was bad and the baby needed to go to the NICU they would take him to Poudre in Fort Collins by ambulance but if something were to be life threatening the baby would go by ambulance or helicopter, depending on the weather, to Children's in Denver. This was a nightmare that we were not prepared for and were not quite sure what to do.
I urged Justin to go with him ....he was so torn to stay with me to comfort me and be with me having had a c-section or go with our new son that was so sick. I would not give in I insisted that he be with our son and minutes later the doctor and came in and explained that they were giving Wyatt a transfusion of something called fresh frozen plasma because his blood was not clotting like it was supposed to and his platelets were so low , once the transfusion was over they would take him to Children's. She said that Wyatt's situation was caused by a lack of oxygen at birth. She said he had multiple injuries to most of his organs and his prognosis was not known as this time but they were great at Children's. Lack of oxygen... this was not good I knew and asked what his brain showed. She said that is the good thing Wyatt had a Apgar score ( a test that shows the overall health of a baby and gives them a good indicator, especially the 5 minute Apgar, of how your babies overall health is) of 2 at 1 minute of life and then at 5 minutes (the most important indicator of mental health) was 6.9 and normal was 7-8. This meant that the odds of Wyatt having a severe brain injury such as cerebral palsy or spinal bifida were very slim and we had just missed that. She said we were so lucky we got him out when we did and he could have easily been a still birth or had severe brain injuries. We felt relieved that if he were to make it out of this with all his other organs we would have a baby that might have some cognitive problems but was going to be okay and able to communicate and lead a fairly normal life with us. Our hopes were high and before we knew it they were ready to go with our little Wyatt.
They rolled him in the room in his little see through bassinet that was all covered. He looked so beautiful even with all the tubes and wires going to and from him. I held his little hand for what seemed forever and prayed with him that he would be okay and we would all be able to be together again and I would be able top hold him and be with him soon. I told him that mommy and daddy loved him so much and that I would not be able to go with him but I was holding him in my heart and would be with him as soon as they would let me. I told him to be brave and strong as they took him and that he needed to pull through this because there was so much he needed to see and experience and so many people were on their way to see him. I told him how much I loved him and that daddy was going to be right behind the ambulance and would be with him at all times there after. They said it was time for him to go and I knew I might not see him again so I pulled myself up in the bed and over to him as close to his face as I could get... I breathed in to smell his sweet little scent and whispered to him..." I love you with all my heart Wyatt, You are my love and I will see you soon." Justin told me to let go of his hand and they closed the side to the wall of the bassinet and took him away. I started to wail and weep as it physically hurt as they took him away and I would stop. Justin pulled me to his side and just held me until I told him to go and be with Wyatt. Even though my family was there staying with me I felt so empty and alone and waited for Justin to get there and call me to know Wyatt was okay and where things stood at the hospital.
At midnight Justin called and said they were there and Wyatt was settled. He said the the Wyatt's doctor.. the one on call that night had evaluated him and said that things were grim but they would do all they could.. the biggest worry was stabilizing his blood pressure and getting his kidneys to function. It would be a long road but they were going to do everything to get him stable. Justin said he would keep me updated every hour and his parents were on their way to the hospital from North Dakota. They were going to stop and check on me and then head down to him in Denver. I cried more and said give Wyatt hugs from mommy and tell him Thank You for being so Strong and Brave for mommy.
The next days were going to be tough but I prayed and prayed that our miracle would come and Wyatt would recover and I would be able to be with him when I was released from the hospital. I help on to each hour of updates and waited for the sun to come up... things seem more bearable when the sun is shining and the warmth is on your face. The sun came up and it was a new day and we were parents. Wyatt was here and he was alive. We were grateful for this and rejoiced in the fact that he was still here with us when the morning came. It would be touch and go and no one was sure what the next few days were to hold and we were starting a journey that no one knew or even guessed the outcome of. But for this day I was a mother and I had a beautiful son that I was doing everything in power to be with.
What a beautiful baby boy! Thanks again for sharing...you are so strong.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Tina